Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Hard Way

On Sat, I went on a brutal bike ride. By brutal, I mean, it hurts. It hurts a lot. I ain't here to say for some self ego boosting purpose. Off the bat, i am already thinking why am I giving myself so much pain.

The hills are fine. Despite everything....if there is one way I am feeling now..it can be put into the lyrics i found from a song I am listening to:

Let me walk in through the world that I currently stay in
You can take a look around and tell me if I'm mistaken
You can even talk to everybody that I live with
Maybe you could tell me why everybody's so distant
Is it me or maybe, when I look around daily
I don't even know the people I can put my trust in lately
People that I used to hang with now their actin' to different
I'm still the same person why doesn't anybody listen

Just tonight..my mom is said to me, "who do u think u are, Lance Armstrong?"....this is after she saw on tv where a cyclist was killed in Mississauga. It was quite tragic. I explain to them why I am riding out far away, in the boonies. on quieter roads, why I don't ride in Mississauga. When discussion becomes disagreeable in my house, emotion flares up. As usual, it leads to between me vs my family.

Right now I dunno why I push through the pain that I got through
And I'm losin' hope

I have been thinking about this lately. On Sat, I missed a friend's b-day. After my bike ride, I was exhuasted and fell asleep. Deep in my mind, I know most of the friends in that parties will talk "oh Cliff ain't coming..he is training.blah blah blah..he has no time for us". I don't want to point fingers but when I have my b-day and a person doesn't come, I let it slide.

There is one quote that I think a lot now. "You can quit and no one cares. Only you will know". Yeah..if i quit tomororw...don't bike, don't run and don't swim..no one cares. None of my friends will say "hey how's training"...i can go along my marry way just hanging out, btea, go play pool, watch movie, karaoke...but i will always know.

Tonight hit a pretty low point. My sis told me a while back she would support me. And the first thing she say coming in the door is about the accident. I don't blame my parents and my sis. To them, they have every right to say this is dangerous. But it is very quite disheartening when your family, those who support u, have doubts in you. Going back to..maybe i should just quit...

To make things more complicated, training like this right now..i know it is taking my time from Church. Specficially the leader role of the fellowship. This is where the dilenma is. With friends..i have to cut and i will cut. Feelings might be hurt..and I can live with that. Sometimes I wonder, if this is what God really wants me to do..or am I in dillusion and try to justify what I want to do.

I haven't talk to anyone in my Chruch about this. To be honest, there isn't anyone I am comfortable with sharing my struggle. No one really understand. Everyone has their problems and lives. Work, exams, kids, finding a job, taking care of the bills. I probably get the answer.."oh u should just pray to God..he provides everything"..or "well u can help God in another way [aka help the Church]"

I am sorry..that's not an answer that helps my situation. It ain't that I blame God and regret. It is just that...it reminds me of David. When he was told by God that he will be the King and he is persecuted and hiding in the caves. I kinda understand a bit of what he is going through. His Psalm spoke to me. The pain, the suffering, the wondering, the doubt, at the same time still have faith that God will pull me through. Sometimes I just wish there is someone I can just blab about life. You know, just talk without worry what that person might say or think. Or how that talk might lead to others through the grape vine, get misinterpreted and bite you back in the end. Maybe this is what this blog is for.

Maybe partially is my fault. I am an introvert. I don't enjoy sharing myself with others. Maybe I should have more faith in people.

Things can be grim in physical, financial, even mental or fear, I can handle..it is the emotion that is the toughest. Maybe this is why this is call Ironman...everyone looks at the physical, the external. When inside, it is the internal that is become harden and strong with struggles, aches and pains.

Tomorrow I will get up early and do my long run. I don't get it. All the reasons for me to quit are staring me in the face and all I can do is keep going.....paradox of life.


Mike said...

Cliff- keep the faith, I'm sure everything will right itself. Re: family, remember that those emotions stem from love. I have been on the receiving end of many of those comments / arguments...gotta let them roll...just make sure you make time for the important people in your life. Training / racing is a great lifestyle but it's all about the balance.

Anonymous said...

1 James 2-6.

William said...

That's a good passage Cliff.

Your family cares for you. It nice that they worry Cliff.

Friends come and go. There are those who are gold, but the rest will always try to steer you away from what you are doing and towards what they are doing, no matter what that is.

Just explain how important cycling is to you to your family and let them know that you are aware of the concerns and dangers and that you will take it easy out there. And make sure you do!

Take a break, do soemthing you don't normally do. Go for a long walk or sit for coffee somewhere you have never been. You might just need some perspective and this might help you hear what you need to hear.

Anonymous said...

Long time lurker, first time post. Your family doesn't share your commitment to physical discipline and they can't understand why you might pursue something they consider dangerous. All right. One of your earlier posts raised the question, "Why tri?" I think you need to answer that question for yourself and think it all the way through in order for some of your life/balance questions to be resolved. It is clear from the training you're doing that physical discipline is an important value to you. Think about how physical discipline contributes to your spiritual life and not just about the time it takes away. Can you pray while training? What emotions do you have during training that are positive? Or are you using training/ body focus as a way of shutting out difficulties in the rest of your life you need to resolve?

Lots of questions, long post, I hope some of this helps you in your thinking. Maybe your current injury is an opportunity to take time to reflect on where you're at and where you want to be.

Comm's said...

Cliff, David had help from Jonathan and you will find your help too.

Your goals are bigger than anything else right now. They are jealous and a bit concerned maybe to see you change so drastically in front of them or perhaps inspite of them.

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